Deborahdatesme!

Hi, if you’re new here, I’m Deborah. I created this website to help others understand that being alone is not the same as being lonely. I want to help inspire people to enjoy their own company, and to build a better relationship with themselves. But also I want people to know that healing is always possible, and that you can grow.

This is rather different to my other blog posts as this post does involve very sensitive topics. However, nothing written here is in heavy detail.

I have been on my healing journey for a little over four years now. I was 19 when I started. I’m twenty-three now.

I’m a complex trauma survivor. I’ve been a victim of physical, sexual and emotional abuse — multiple times from a very young age (maybe like 4 years old) up until the age of 19. I don’t remember much of my childhood or my teen years, but my body does. After all, trauma stores itself in the body. Even though my brain was protecting me, I was still suffering from a chronic survival system. And because I went through additional violence in my teen years, my body was just always on fight-flight mode.

When I was 16, I was also playing the role of therapist in a friendship group. There was overdoses, violence, death, constant conflicts, unstable mental health problems, and so much more. It was this group of very unstable, dangerous individuals I called my “friends”. I remained in that group for years because I was scared to be alone due to abandonment issues.

At the end of 2021, I was homeless and left to fend for myself. I was out on the streets, bouncing from hostels and emergency accommodations. I had no money. This happened in December, so I would spend hours outside in the cold. The places I stayed at were always temporarily. The council didn’t really care. They would book a place for me to stay for the night only, and then I was back on the streets in the day. I always had to call them for another place to stay. I had no money for even transport, so I would walk for hours in the bitter December cold to the next accommodation. That’s all I’m going to say on this subject.

In January 2022, whilst I was staying in a refuge, someone from the friendship group died. A few months after that, someone else from the group took their own life. Later on that same year, someone else passed away, too. I became very broken that year. Really really broken. I was very suicidal and tired of everything and everyone. I was tired of being around violence. I was tired of being traumatised. I was tired of being in pain. I got diagnosed with (C)PTSD in the middle of that year. The year before that, I was diagnosed with BPD. These are the two diagnoses I have to carry. BPD is so stigmatised that I always feel scared to tell people I have it. I’m slowly learning to stop feeling shame for it. My trauma is what caused my personality disorder. I am not my disorder. And I’ve worked so hard on myself to get better, and I aim to always continue my healing journey. This is when I started taking myself out. I was going to turn 20 November of that year. I told myself that my life may have been very painful up until this point but my 20s was going to be different.

And that’s exactly why you’re here. Whilst this website was created for you, everything started with me wanting to move on from my past and grow. I can’t change my past, but I don’t want to carry all this trauma on my shoulders. I don’t want to live a life of misery anymore, and that’s why I started learning how to feel safe again. For a very long time, I was too self-destructive and scared to allow myself to have joy. I used to be terrified to go to sleep at night as my body would be too wired and paranoid. My body was always on high-alert throughout the day, but since it gets quiet at night, it was so much worse then. Everyone would be asleep and I’d be sitting shaking. My brain scanning everything. I could hear everything. My body would feel like a cage. My relationships with people were also unstable. I would cling on to relationships due to fear of abandonment and feel suicidal when I felt rejected or when actually abandoned.

My journey in 2022 started slow. My healing journey overall has been very slow. I pride myself on taking baby steps. I started with Bumble BFF. From there, I started making friendships and hanging out with people. In fact, most of the people in my life currently are people I’ve only befriended within the last four years. It’s crazy how I went from isolating myself and only being close to a harmful friendship group to making friends wherever I go. Within that same year, I started taking myself out on small solo dates. Once I started getting used to my own company, I started doing it more and making bigger moves.

From late 2024 to 2025, I spent time learning about neuroscience. I read textbooks and watched videos to do with our nervous system. Learning about the nervous system allowed me to realise that our brain isn’t against us. Yes, being in fight-flight is horrible, but it’s our brain’s way of protecting us. This perspective allowed me to view my mental health through a different outlook. I learnt how to work with my nervous system rather than against it. For instance, I used to always struggle with a tight chest and feel as if I couldn’t breathe, so I would do things such as box breathing, humming, chewing gum or smiling in the mirror. The reason why I would do this is to help activate my vagus nerve. This is the nerve that helps calm us down after fight-flight has been activated. The nerve goes through our throat, which is why doing these methods helps activate the nerve. Once I kept doing this regularly and continued learning more about neuroscience, my physical anxiety symptoms began to decrease.

When I do things by myself, I learn something new. For example, whilst I was out on a solo date, I almost fell down some escalators at Euston Station and laughed about it. I’ve taught myself that feeling embarrassed is a choice, and that none of these people are ever going to see me again. For Valentine’s Day this year, I spent the day being my own Valentine for the first time. I went to Wildwood Trust in Herne Bay for a night tour. I got to see many nocturnal creatures. Everyone else were couples. I was the only single person there, and nobody gave a damn.

However, self-help can only help you so far. My mental health started getting very severe again later in late summer 2025. It felt like I was a teenager. I was terrified. I was scared I was going to go back to my teenage ways, so I got professional help. I got myself into DBT, which has massively saved me. DBT is a type of therapy that was originally made for BPD, but anyone who struggles with intense emotions and impulsive behaviour can benefit from the therapy. I also got myself on medication. Medication was the holy deal. I watched my CPTSD symptoms MASSIVELY reduce. No nightmares. No anxiety pain in my body. No more feeling hyper-alert and paranoid. My body just feels so much calmer.

That’s the very watered-down version of my mental health journey. I didn’t want this to be a long post. Even though I’ve come such a long way, I know I’m going to need to be in therapy for a long time. 4 years isn’t enough time to process my past. People need to understand that complex trauma takes a very long time to overcome, but doesn’t mean I can’t have healthy relationships or not date. I don’t want people to look at me like I’m made out of glass and could break any second because I’m not fragile. I am getting better everyday. I’m continuing to make beautiful memories. My friendships are growing, and I love my friends. I wake up feeling much better. I spent my entire teen years suicidal and feeling the weight of the world crushing me. But it feels like I’m glowing now. I can see myself smiling more. I can see the sparkles in my eyes. Life is beautiful. My trauma doesn’t break me as much as it used to. I actually look forward to life. If you told fifteen year old me that things were going to get better, she would have immediately rejected that statement and continued to bury herself deeper into a pit.

Thank you so much for reading — it really means a lot! And just thank you for being here in general.

We grew up with life looking colourful. Technology was aesthetically-pleasing. Social media used to be enjoyable, and we used to just post about anything without shame. Websites used to be fun and unique. Adobe Flash gave us the ultimate freedom after school. I was a Binweevils, Stardoll, Moviestarplanet and Poptropica girl. I used to spend hours on the family’s computer playing Flash games. That family computer that would have every virus in existence and endlessly freeze. These websites still exist as rewritten versions, but they’re just not the same. I was such a heavy Binweevils girl that I remember asking my mum to buy a physical issue they were selling in Asda one day.

Nearly every Sunday after church, my siblings and I would all pick up copies of an Argos catalogue, circling toys on multiple pages without a care in the world. It was a tradition. Sundays were for grocery shopping. We’d buy regular shopping from Iceland and then African groceries from international shops or African-owned businesses. This would take hours, so my siblings and I had to entertain ourselves in the car. If it wasn’t Argos catalogues, we were watching movies on the car’s built-in DVD player. On hot Sundays, we got ice cream or an ice lolly. And one day, our parents decided to buy us a Wii console from Argos for us to all play on in the living room. I have 4 siblings, so sharing was the norm. But there were no complaints. I didn’t own any of my own consoles, but I didn’t need to. We’d spend hours playing games. Wii party and Mario Kart were definitely favourites in the household.

And honestly, can we bring back phones with keypads? Old technology used to last, too. You could drop a Nokia phone down 2 flights of stairs and it would still function normally. Brick phones really are indestructible. I found my old BlackBerry back in 2020 or so, and it turned on once I found an appropriate charger. The lock screen wallpaper was still there with my old password. I couldn’t remember the password, but it was easy to reset it. But once I reset the password, everything was back. Nothing had been lost. All the memories during the 2010s. The apps, photos, games, everything. It was like the phone had never been forgotten all these years, as if time had frozen and I was back to 11 years old. The BlackBerry had been passed down to me from my older sister. But even when it was still hers, younger me used to take it without asking and I’d stay up until late playing Sims 2, Danger Dash or unofficial versions of Flow and Candy Crush. I remember it used to take much longer for games to download, and of course Sims 2 required downloading a Java version from a browser. Or if it wasn’t her phone, it was my other’s sister BlackBerry I’d steal. And sometimes my mum’s old phone. She had the best games. Sims 2, Bounce Tales, Snake III, Tetris, Bejeweled, you name it. I remember how my dad had one of those cool Windows Mobile phones. The ones that looked like a portable PC. I’d play on that, too. To this day, I think that was one of the best phones ever made. Honestly, I used to just beg to play on any of their phones when I was younger. When they’d get a new phone, I’d still beg to play on that one. These devices used to last days on a single charge. Now our devices seem to barely make it to twenty-four hours, and we’re having to ask a friend for a portable charger and wire. Yet we still feel the urge to upgrade each year, chasing after meaningless hype just to be a part of the crowd. If a device works, why upgrade it? Better yet, why go for something new?

I also grew up watching DVDs on our portable DVD player. My brothers and I would lay on the floor in my parents’ room, watching a Garfield movie or perhaps High School Musical 3. We had a whole storage cabinet of DVDs and VHS tapes. My dad would come home with his daily newspaper he grabbed for free, and sometimes I would read them. I even remember playing those Sky games on our TV. But then we stopped using Sky and started using Netflix, Amazon Prime and Disney+. And when that happened, we gave away the DVDs, VHS tapes, Wii games, and more. It was like one day, society decided streaming subscriptions are in and physical media and analogues were out. The fun was over. I think that’s when I officially grew up.

In secondary school, I was given my sister’s old laptop when she got another one. She had used it for most of her school years. I used it throughout secondary school and sixth form. It got slow after sixth form. Beyond slow. It could barely run. But then my little brother wanted it and he still somehow got joy out of it, even though the laptop would make weird noises or barely load whenever he’d try to play a game with lots of graphics. He used it during secondary school and college. By the time he started university, he asked my mum for a new laptop. I like to say that laptop aged gracefully. She was well-taken care of and loved by all. She truly lived a long, happy life.

At the end of 2025, I saw many posts talking about reverting back to physical media and analogue items. Whilst I despise trends, I do appreciate the good intention behind this one. Though even trends with good intentions still get abused, but it’s still something I’m glad has been acknowledged on social media. Personally, I own an iPod classic. If you ask me for my Spotify, I’ll happily share my playlists from iTunes since that’s what I use to transfer my music to my iPod. There’s also something really satisfying about having a single-purpose device. I feel as if I really get the opportunity to connect with my music more. There’s no built-in distractions or WiFi on the device. I also use my iPod to listen to podcasts. You can even play games on iPods. They really have so much potential. No doomscrolling. No distractions. Just intentional usage. I also own a Hello Kitty DVD player, which I got early last year from eBay. She’s pink and it has Hello Kitty’s face on it. What’s not to love? I get my DVDS from eBay, MusicMagpie and CEX. Owning what I watch is so therapeutic, like these are mine. No subscription and having to worry about it rising in price each year. It’s also refreshing to see people’s old physical tech online and how they customise them to fit their own identity. There’s a large iPod community because many people choose to mod their iPods by replacing the battery, upgrading the hardware or replacing the screen. This allows iPods to continue to be used for future use as some of their models are over or nearly 20 years old. And I see many videos of people teaching others on how to burn or rip a CD. I own CDs myself. Most of them I got for less than £5. CDs are only expensive if you’re buying the latest ones. You can easily find them for 50p-£1.99 in a charity shop or online. I also see vinyls becoming very popular. It gives me joy to see people connect to music in a more immersive manner. Journaling has also gained fame on social media apps, particularly junk journaling. This is the side of social media I admire: education and growth, where we teach each other how to slow down, enjoy technology without consumerism and reach out for physical books rather than using our stimulating devices to journal. Trends can be harmful, but some of them can truly be beneficial.

2016 is back, too. Everyone is going back to colourful, fun makeup and fashion, or posting their 2016 pictures. I’m glad because whimsical is forever. We should bring cringe back. I know in 2016, I was heavily using the dog or flower filter on Snapchat. Fun can be for adults, too. I hate how society expects adult to be dull and not have particular hobbies because they’re for “kids only”. It’s incredible seeing people wear colourful eyeshadow or put butterfly hair clips in their hair. That’s the way it should be. Everyone having fun with their appearance. None of these are reserved for children. There’s no age-limit on hobbies or certain aesthetics. People should dress how they want. We should be able to express our hobbies without fear of judgement from internet trolls. It’s already bad enough that we have to deal with rising costs and job burnout. Being critical of adults getting in touch with their whimsical side just proves how miserable you are with your own life.

These trends have inspired me, despite the fact that I hate following the laws of social media hierarchy. Once again, I am aware that these trends have been abused, and some have fallen into consumerism. But there are elements of education in these particular trends. People are trying to develop a healthier relationship with their usage. We’re starting to slow down again and be intentional. We’re going back to being creative. We’re supporting our local libraries more to rent CDS to rip via iTunes for our mp3 players. These trends have allowed us to consider how structured society is. We’re kept in boxes. Society has these unsolicited opinions, and people are afraid to have their own thoughts. Through these social media inspirations, we are allowing ourselves to not restrict ourselves, and to think outside the box. We’re choosing to put our happiness first and ignore judgement from the older generations. It’s quite rebellious the idea of standing out.

I happily pull out my iPod on the train whilst wearing my burgundy mascara, with purple eyeliner and dark clothing. It feels slightly revolutionary. I like to think that when I walk through the streets, I’m setting a healthy example of how we should be, and that younger me is looking at her future self in admiration.

I always tell people that I think we should be touching grass more — that we need to stop and smell the roses every once in a while. I can’t even express how much I want to scream this to the Heavens.

I try my hardest to spend as much time in nature as possible. I’m a hiking girl; hiking allows me to connect to the world around me and be present in the moment. The idea of taking long walks seems so simple because walking is something us humans do on a daily basis, but we don’t often appreciate what’s around us. We’re always mindlessly just trying to get through life, a lot of us living in survival mode. And that’s because society teaches us that working hard is the fundamental of life, so we continue to follow this cycle our whole lives. Many of us wake up everyday wishing for something different, yet the very essence of life is always around us. The trees we walk past provide us with oxygen; the bees we find irritating supply us with honey and fruit bats help pollinate over 500 plant species, including bananas, mangoes, and agave. We don’t often see bats, but they’re always flying above our heads. We don’t often acknowledge bees until we’re swatting them out of our faces. The beauty of life is always right in front of us, yet we fail to acknowledge Earth’s beauty. Hiking allows me to slow down and stay within the moment. I don’t scroll on my phone whilst hiking, not even for music. I pay attention to the sounds of nature only. I love to look at bees and wasps especially when they’re circling around plants. We spend so much time confined in buildings, whereas they get to spend all their time playing with pretty flowers; I envy them a lot. I genuinely think if we all spent more time in nature, life would be a little more bearable.

I don’t always enjoy nature by myself, however. I may be a solo person, but that doesn’t mean I’m always strictly alone. One of the many things I enjoy about turning up to places alone is connecting with new people. I’m a huge advocate for communities, and I always vocally express how much I love them. And growing up as a Black person, you’d always hear how Black people don’t do adrenaline-seeking activities like skydiving or caving. It’s a stereotype, but it’s still a stereotype we need to challenge in the Black community. Therefore, a lot of the outdoor communities I follow are specifically for queer people of colour. Inclusivity is a fundamental principle for a healthy society. The outdoor spaces are still very white-dominated, and straight, white men are what people typically think of when it comes to adventurous activities. My very existence threatens that narrative, and I absolutely love that.

Last year, I went to the North York Moors for a weekend with an organisation called ‘Touch Grass’. ‘Touch Grass’ is an outdoor community for queer women, non-binary and trans people of colour. Their mission is to get more people of colour in the outdoors. We all met up at the assigned bus stop in London and took off together in a mini coach. It was my first time being in one of their retreats. I did not know anyone there. The drive was very long. But I’m grateful for the long hours because I managed to talk to other the people in the mini coach. We stayed in a beautiful hostel adjacent to the Yorkshire coast. We hiked together through the towns, even when the rain was pouring on us heavily. We ate breakfast, lunch and dinner together everyday. We visited each other’s rooms and played board games. This is why I love turning up to places alone. I love how I befriend people wherever I go. I don’t think people understand how essential communities are for society.

Joining a community makes life less lonely, especially when it comes to trying something new. We often stop ourselves from joining a community because we’re worried about turning up alone. The idea of turning up to spaces alone is daunting at first. I will not deny that. But that’s what communities are for. That’s why social spaces exist — for connections to happen and to reduce loneliness in society. Think about it this way: the first time you turn up, you probably won’t know anyone. And I also guarantee that you’re not the only person who turned up alone. You will most likely notice the person who also came alone and speak to them. The second time you turn up, you’ll be approaching the people you met that night or remembering faces you didn’t get the chance to speak to much. If you keep this perspective in mind, doing things alone will begin to become easier.

Many people ask me how I know of so many communities, or how I’m always finding events. It’s actually very simple. I go on Instagram, click on the ‘search’ bar and type in what I’m looking for. “Black hiking groups London” or something like that. Nothing complicated. Nothing fancy. Now here’s where the real magic begins: once I find a page on Instagram, I’ll look at similar pages they follow or look at the suggestion accounts offered to me. Boom. Cycle repeats. For Eventbrite, I’m once again precise with what I’m looking for, and honestly there are so many free or lost-cost activities you can find on Eventbrite. I highly recommend that if you’re bored or looking for something to do, to just type in what you want on Eventbrite and Instagram.

So, yes, going for a walk can actually be beneficial for mental health. Yes, grounding by paying attention to what you see, hear, taste and feel also helps. We hear this all the time from mental health professionals and think to ourselves: “Well, a bloody walk isn’t gonna make me feel better.” Perhaps not that same day. Perhaps not even that same week. Healing isn’t a simple fix. Taking care of your mental wellbeing doesn’t happen that fast. But one thing I think we can all definitely agree on is that our mums were right: it is the damn phone. Sometimes anyway. A phone can be a contributor to our mood, but it’s a lot more complicated than that. Our brain is a complex organ. But we are technology- focused. Our phones are built with stimulating apps, which create rapid dopamine cycles. That’s why we doom-scroll. That’s why we jump between the same three apps. Putting your phone on do not disturb and going outside is a much healthier life decision than refreshing your notifications every 10 minutes.

And now that the weather is beginning to get warmer, it’s all the more reason to start touching grass.

I love my friends, and I don’t feel cringe by telling them so. I feel as if society has made us feel uncomfortable with showing how much we love our friends because we have told ourselves that profound affection should only be reserved for our partners. Therefore, we feel the need to reduce the amount of times we say it or decrease the intensity of our affection and actions. Friendships are important, and essential for our wellbeing. Yet we always seem to place it below romantic love. Friendships can be just as deep — and even deeper than romantic connections. If you feel the urge to tell your friends you love them, don’t hold back. Everyone wants to be loved. “I love you” is one of the deepest words you can say to someone, so when you feel that urge, know that is your nervous system healing. When we tell someone we love them, that is our body’s way of telling us that we feel safe around this person, and there is nothing more beautiful than allowing your nervous system to heal. I think if we removed the self-judgement we have in our minds regarding love, we would be more affectionate to our friends. After all, when it feels like the end of the world, our true friends are the ones that come to save us.

I’m a very affectionate person, both through words and actions. My love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch. I do value these gestures from friends, too — whilst respecting each other’s boundaries, of course. Though, I always ask for permission for hugs first as some people aren’t too fond of hugs. So, yes, go display your public affection for your friends. And feeling shame for being an affectionate friend is why platonic love is seen as less important than romantic love in society. There are so many opinions that society throws in our faces, but we have the power to challenge those beliefs. Staying within the herd stops us from listening to our own core principles, and ultimately diminishes our self-worth.

I love to support my friends online, too. I am a chronic story liker. If I love the song choice, I will heart the story. If you look good, I will like the story. If I like the environment you’re in, I will tap like on my screen. I very often go through my Instagram highlights to remind myself of the best memories I’ve had with friends. There’s something so therapeutic about doing this. I also love seeing how talented and ambitious my friends are. I love following their other pages and supporting their work. I love reposting and sharing their work on my story. And honestly, these are not even flexes; they’re the bare minimum. If you don’t show up for your friends online, then you’re not really friends. You’re just two people that follow each other. Yes, social media is not the real world, nor does it determine how strong your relationships are, but why would you not support your friend online, too?

Once I start to get closer to my friends, they will know it. For my best friends, I always go above and beyond when it comes to affection. This will consist of me randomly calling you to check-in, or me tagging you in numerous reels on Instagram. You essentially become one of my main priorities, though I will always put myself and wellbeing first, of course. There’s something really beautiful about falling in love with friends in a platonic way. You don’t want to date them or have sex with them, but you have so much profound love for them, that you find that you’re truly comfortable when they’re around. And sometimes in the middle of the day when you’re by yourself, you will find yourself randomly thinking about them. But it’s not a crush or a form of attraction; it’s your brain reminding you that you are safe. It’s your nervous system slowly repairing those painful wounds and past trauma. Therefore, I will never stop telling my best friends how much they mean to me because their very existence helps with my healing journey.

My friends are the reason why I can enjoy my own company. They’ve saved me without even trying. My friends remind me that life can be beautiful, despite the chaos in the world. I think we often take that for granted, too. Loneliness is so common in this world. Sometimes we can have friends and still feel lonely. I am very privileged that I have certain people that I can rely on. And that's why I tell people that being alone is not the same as being lonely. The reason why I can go on solo dates, solo hikes and travel alone is because having such good friends in my life stops me from feeling lonely. You will never be fully healed, however — that’s a myth. We will always be healing. And I still struggle with my relationship with myself. I still sometimes get anxious or worried when doing something alone, too. And that's okay — I am human. This is normal. My healing journey allows me to learn something new about myself everyday. It allows me to continue developing a relationship with myself, as well as managing my relationships with my friends. However, in order to manage our relationships, we should be healed enough. Friendships are about balance. That’s why I’m a strong advocate for putting your mental health first. Our friends can help us with our mental health, but they’re not our therapists. That’s why I’m grateful to have healthy relationships in my life because I can continue to strengthen the relationship I have with myself. Thus, I will never get tired of telling my friends that I love them.